A Day in the Life…

I have been wrestling now for a few weeks, okay months. I think I am just now really aware of it or am just now allowing myself to be aware of it. Do you ever have this unrest at the deepest core of who you are? In your in most being… I feel like I have come in contact with who I am at the core of myself. You know the person you are when no one else is around and it’s just you and God alone. Yes the scary vulnerable place. I don’t reflect on this place as much as I know I should but I am there now and I’m realizing there is a war going on in there… behind the face… in my mind and the deepest part of my soul. I want so desperately to be holy; to be one who walks out the culture of the Kingdom but this battle is raging inside. This daily fight to pick up my cross, deny my personal wants and preferences and fellowship with Him in his sufferings. I want to but my soul is crying out for personal preference and wants to have rights and wants to be justified. It is becoming an inner turmoil that cannot be silenced. The cry to deny myself is getting louder and louder and the war is raging so much that I can barely function as “normal.” It’s hard to hold it together some days. I just want to be with Him where He is just as He prayed about me in John 17:24 that I be with Him where he is and see His glory. The question is, “How do I get there?” How do I get to the place where I know him. The place where I really know Christ. Know Him in the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death as Philippians 3:10 says. So the wrestling is the dying. Thy dying daily is the battle and to be honest dying hurts and no one really wants to do it including myself. However, my desire to know Him is outweighing my personal preference to have my own way.

That’s all for now… more to come as I continue to wrestle… Maybe I’ll come out changed and marked as Israel did in his wrestling.

I feel like I have a million and one things to say yet there are still are no words to express everything that is in my heart. So here’s my attempt to share what’s been going on. As you all know, I have recently become a full time intercessory missionary. If you haven’t read about it then I have talked to you or both. In the last couple of months things have been very challenging. Number 1- I have been working on raising support. I knew that it was going to be hard but I never knew that it was going to be this hard. Here’s the crazy part… just when I think I’m not going to be able to make it because the bills aren’t paid and there are no groceries in the fridge something happens. 3 weeks ago I had a breakdown moment with the Lord. Bills weren’t being paid and rent was due and I had NO money… for real broke. I told God that if I didn’t have money for rent by the next day I was giving up and moving to my parents house, getting a full time job and not looking back. I know… you aren’t supposed to give God ultimatums but I had just had it. Needless to say, I had to eat my words. Within hours of this prayer 2 people came to me and between them gave me $600. God is getting good a giving me just enough to keep me here. This has happened several times on a smaller scale before this but this time it was just true confirmation that this is where I am supposed to be. So if some of you are in situations that look grim but you know you were called by the Lord to be there. Stick it out. You will be surprised at how and when the Lord will answer you. Also, I ask that if you read this that you would continue to lift me in prayer as I am continuing my support raising endeavor. I would really appreciate it.

It is amazing what comes out of your heart when you are pressed. I am finding that it is only when you are pressed that truly see the reality of your heart. I am there and what I am finding is not pretty but if you don’t know it’s there you can’t deal with it. Soooooo… now I know and I, only with the help of the Lord, am dealing with it…

There is so much more I can’t even process yet…

Do you ever feel like you are being pressed to the max?… like if one more thing happens you will totally break? Well that’s me in a nut shell. The Lord is seriously stretching me. Just when I think I can’t take anymore, something else happens. I’m not going into details but if you read this and think about me say a little prayer. I need some serious revelation of the “His grace is sufficient” reality (grace to endure)and the “His strength is made perfect in my weakness” reality as well.

Job 13:15
Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10
We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

1 Peter 5:10
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

“Consumed”

Human heart, small and weak, open me, Lord,
So tenderly
Eyes uplifted to eternity, unveil them, Lord
That I might see
Let Your truth open up Love’s door
And where my heart is too small, wound me more
Do not stop where my love runs dry
But increase the river that I might fly
Limit not my heart to what it can hold
But enlarge my soul to love You more
What will You give to the human heart
If You would give all You desire and no less?
This I plead for my own heart
Give all You desire me to possess
Do not end with a flickering fire–
Let flames consume my all
Take me further than Love’s edge–
Immerse my body mind and soul
All that is in Your heart to give, This I ask of You
As much as the human heart can receive,
Envelop, Immerse and Consume

-Dana Candler

It is so funny that Brian just posted a blog about seasons last week. The chapter I just finished in Deep Unto Deep is about just that subject. It talks about embracing every season whole-heartedly. It goes into way more depth than that but I will spare you and just say read it! I have been in one of those unclassifiable seasons. It’s not really one you can put your finger on. It has elements of all of them yet isn’t pure enough to be either. Have you ever been in one of those? I can tell you from fresh experience that it is very frustrating. I feel like I say daily, “God, what are you doing with me?” Everyday there is a different answer or no answer at all. Those are the really trying days, when you speak and He doesn’t answer. To be honest, those days are more frequent than not. It seem so humorous at times how this relationship with God works. The reality is as Job says, “Behold God is great and we do not know him.” He works in His timing, He speaks in His timing, He moves in His timing and He is not in a hurry. No microwave God happening here. I know for me that in this particular season, nothing I would normally run to for “comfort” is comforting me. Entertainment, friends, favorite foods, blogging, myspace, music… nothing. I was just with friends this weekend and I truly enjoyed being with them but there was something missing. God is removing my ability to “medicate” myself with earthly comforts. He is causing me to only find solace in Him. Here’s the catch, He’s not showing up either so I am becoming even more frustrated and yet the “comforts” are continuing to be less and less satisfying. I would classify this as Him growing desire for Him. However, it hurts like crazy! My insides are in agony. I am exactly where I am supposed to be but am seriously AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I want to run from this but where can I go? Nothing is even remotely dulling the internal ache.

Well I’m going to stop there. For some reason once the heart vomit starts coming it’s hard to shut off. It’s becoming projectile. Sorry… I hope this gets to someone as much as it does me. Much Love

Our journey begins with longing. And before longing is the the longing to long. It is the yearning to desire Him. We find in our hearts an awakening that beckons longing and paves the way for desire. It begins with the Lord Himself placing His divine drawing upon the heart of the one who loves Him. We find ourselves desiring to desire Him and pained by the present shallowness of our hearts. He awakens us to the great obsession of Himself, and we find this new ache within our hearts: our lack of love and absence of tenderness. We begin to hunger for the capacity to hunger. We begin to thirst for the ability to thirst. The longing to long is the escort into longing itself. It is the God-ordained gateway into the true gift of God to crave Him with all of our beings. -Dana Candler

God show us the reality of our hearts. Let us not be disillusioned as to our standing before you. Let the reality of our barrenness be evident so that the true longing for you can be cultivated. Reveal to us our great need for you. In the light of this revelation bring our hearts into understanding your true desire for us. It is in understanding your desire that we can begin the journey of longing for you. Let us understand with clarity the reality of your prayer in John 17:24. “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.” God show us what kind of fiery desire you have for us that you would pray in your last prayer before the cross that you wanted us to be with you where you are. What kind of passion is this that motivated you to go to the cross for us? What kind of love is this that settled the issue of the cross in your heart? Give us revelation of this love and longing you have for us so that we can comprehend the height, width, depth, and length of your love for us who believe.

Here are some thoughts I have recently heard about the wilderness. I am really trying to “digest” it. Maybe you have some thoughts?

Defining the Wilderness
A. The wilderness is a real place in God. It is not so much about the physical location of the wilderness, though many of God’s messengers spent significant seasons of time in an actual, physical wilderness.
1.The wilderness is a place on the journey for every believer who desire wholeheartedness. The wilderness call is the designated path that God calls all believers to and through in order to bring them to totall dependency and abandonment in Him.
2. The wilderness is not a place you visit once in your journey with God, but rather, part of the prescribed, continual process of maturity that you will revisit many times in life.

B. The wilderness speaks of the essential testings and trials that God uses in order to bring us into conformity with His Son. Just as Christ Jesus was tested in the wilderness at the hands of the enemy, our pathway to 100-fold obedience will take us through the wilderness of trials, tests, and temptations.

C. Every momentary, light affliction is part of the wilderness journey. It’s everything that is working on our behalf that we might receive an imperishable crown, the eternal weight or abundance of glory. (2 Cor 4:17)

D. All of the unique tensions of life, in which we experience the ironies of living as citizens of the kingdom of God yet as strangers and aliens in the world, are part of the wilderness journey.
1. It is experiencing the exceeding joy in the presence of the Lord all the while touching the barrenness of not truly knowing God.
2. Living in the tensions of seemingly contradictory realities can cause you to feel as if you live in a perpetual state of emotional and spiritual tenderness or rawness.

E. The veil of the flesh is a wilderness.
1. In this life, as we peer into that which is eternal we experience the drama of touching that which is unseen while not perfectly perceiving it. We, powerfully at times and subtly at other times, access that which is divine, that which is transcendent, yet because we are captive within flesh, we touch it only for a moment and only in part.
2. The tension of experiencing that which is real, yet only in part, is part of the lifelong wilderness journey. The veil of our flesh keeps us from being able to fully access the realm of the spirit, that which is forever and unfading.
3. Once we come to understand that we were made for eternity (Eccl 3:11) and that we are only pilgrims and sojourners in this life (Heb 11:13, 1 Pet 2:11), we wrestle with the tension and ache of living life through the veil. This wrestle is the wilderness.

Col 3:2-4 Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. 3 For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.

God help us to get an eternal perspective. Let our eyes be fixed solely on You. May my gaze be locked with Yours and Yours alone. May I embrace this walk of wilderness with delight knowing that this life is only a shadow.

Fix Your Eyes- Twila Paris
When I look into Your eyes I see the love that died for me
When I look into Your eyes I see the hope that I will be a faithful bride
Following close behind.
Following ever blinded to the things that should not move me

Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus
Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus

Fix your eyes upon the prize
The highest calling you will find
Following close behind
Following ever blinded to the things that should not move me

The ponderings of my heart these days are causing me to have some internal conflict. I have had to ask myself some pretty harsh questions and I’m not sure I have answers as of yet but what you are reading is my process of dealing with these emotions and realities as they happen. If you agree great. If you don’t awesome. I am just telling you what I think and am letting you in on some internal dialogue…

…I have been reflecting on what it means to be a good steward of what the Lord has given us. What does this really mean and is it really the desire of our hearts to do this? I was walking today with my roomate Diana and we were praying. I prayed that I wanted to be a good steward of everything the Lord has given me. My body , my finances, my friends, my job as a missionary, my time, everything. It dawned on me today that eventhough this is the desire of my heart on some level, the reality of it is not there. If it were, it would merit a response in my lifestyle wouldn’t it? Can we get past the lip service of our mouths and get down to some reality of walking this out! I am so tired of making “promises” and asking for things that sound good to the ear but truly are offensive to the heart when walked out. If I really wanted to be a good steward of my body wouldn’t I eat better all the time and not just when I feel guilty? Wouldn’t I excercise regularly? If I really wanted to be a good steward of my finances, wouldn’t I be more selective on what I buy? Wouldn’t I buy out of necessity and not out of want? Wouldn’t I give to those less fortunate than myself and for go those new shoes or going out to eat? If I really wanted to be a better stewared of my friends, wouldn’t I call them more often and ask how they are doing? If I really wanted to be a good steward of my job, wouldn’t I do whatever it takes to see God and walk out the realities of His kingdom? If I truly desired to be a good steward of my time, wouldn’t I make it a point not to waste time on ridiculously pointless activities?

God please bring a true revelation of Your beauty. If I get a glimpse of it, for real,I wont search for entertainment elsewhere. Bring revelation of Your worthiness to my heart so that I will not feel the need to medicate myself on othere “loves” of my heart. I ask for the spirit of wisdom and revelation to come. Bring me a soberness of heart so that I can see God rightly. I want to be a good steward. God help me to walk out this desire in my life and not ignore this yearning for excellence in the deepest part of my soul. As the song that is being sung right now says, “How can I be here with You and not be moved by You? You tell me, how can it be any better than this? You’re all I want. You’re all I need. You’re everything, everything” You are everything. Let it become such a reality that I make radical shifts in my life because of my pursuit of You. I want to do whatever it takes to live a life worthy of You.

I am continuing to read the book Deep Unto Deep by Dana Candler and I am trying to let the truth of it wash over me. Right now I am seeking out what it truly means to be dark yet lovely in the sight of God. I understand it in my head but in my heart there is not a connection yet. I don’t have a grid for understanding this type of love and acceptance. Here’s a section of the book for you to enjoy. May it speak truth to you as much as it has to me.

To know that I am dark yet lovely is to understand my weakness, which is comprised of my sinfulness, my immaturity and my natural limitations together with the revelation of my loveliness to Him. David expresses this twofold mystery in Psalm 86, “Bow down Your ear, O Lord, hear me; for I am poor and needy. Preserve my life for I am holy…” (1-2, emphasis added)

When He gazes upon me, instead of seeing only that which has fully come into maturity, He perceives the yet-maturing virtues within me. He hears my inward cries to fully belong to Him. When I stumble in my persistent weakness, His gaze pierces through my external struggle and sees, in my spirit, the internal flame of true yearning to be His. With His eyes of fire, He perceives the continual cry deep within my heart to belong fully to Him, and He calls it part of my “lovliness.” He defines me by the things that are not yet revealed as though they were. When I lie on my bed at night and long for victory in my weak areas, He esteems my longing precious and receives my cry.

We must accurately perceive how God thinks about us in our weakness. He’s a God of unending kindness, and His mercy is not challenged by our lack. That Jesus could be filled with love and enjoyment in someone when he or she is still stumbling and immature seems unrighteous or unjust to our false understandings of Him. We imagine that this kind of affection is possible only when we are fully pure, holy and mature. Yet the glorious good news of all time is that Jesus, the perfect One, set His affections on those who were fully weak and undeserving. While we were still His enemies, He died for us, and while we are yet immature, He enjoys us. This isn’t to say He enjoys sin but that He delights in the lover of God who is yet in the struggle against besetting sins.

We are far weaker than we realize and far lovelier than we realize, and yet even in our greatest weakness God perceives in us more beauty than we can imagine. Our loveliness is not an attribute gained by our attainments. It is a gift of God. He sees us beautiful because of what He Himself has accomplished in our salvation and transformation.

-Dana Candler, Deep Unto Deep

God receive our weak attempts at love. We don’t understand You but You know us full well. Bring revelation to our hearts of the true nature of who You are. It is only in that revelation that we can begin to see who we are in You. Awaken our hearts to love. Awaken our hearts to You.

I start at IHOP-ATL tonight. WOW! It is so hard to believe that I am really doing this. I feel like I have begun this journey that is taking me into the heart of God but the path to get there is one terrifying road! I don’t know what is in store for me but I am excited to see. Until then, here’s the second part of my intern experience.

Reflection Part 2 of 2
So I guess the only revelation that I have is that I don’t know anything and I can’t do this without God for real. I am nothing apart from Him. I am absolutely and completely devoid of any meaning without Him. The issue I see however is this huge gap between what I desire to be and what the actual reality in my heart is. I desire to desire. I want to want Him. I long to love Him without reserve and without pretense. The reality is that I still have a hesitation. I still have some glitch in my heart that pauses when He draws me near. Some deep reservation that I can’t seem to shake no matter how hard I try. There hasn’t been a time in my life where I have felt more vulnerable than in this place. Raw, broken, wounded, agitated, heartbroken, sick with love (as faint as it may be), and above all revealed. For the first time in my almost 27 years, with the exception of my salvation experience, I have been real with God and with people about where I am spiritually. As painful as it has been, there is something freeing in just putting the façade away and looking into the mirror of your soul and letting it reflect the truth of who you are no matter how ugly and disturbing the truth is. It is only then that you can even begin to grasp the reality of your need for God. The true need. I can’t do anything without Him. I can’t love Him unless He reveals His love. I can’t recognize His worthiness unless He reveals it. I can’t believe unless I have revelation of His beauty. Nothing aside from Him will sustain me. Nothing. The crazy part is that He loves me in this broken, wretched state of my heart. It is so unfathomable that He, the Uncreated God, could love me even now. In the depravity and wretchedness He loves me and takes delight in me. I have to say to myself, “Just believe.” Isn’t that the part of Christianity that is so baffling? All we have to do is believe. We don’t have to “do” anything. We don’t have to strive. We don’t have to reach to meet some unattainable goal in the sky. All we have to do is believe. So simple yet so difficult. I want to want to believe and that is all I know. I wake up everyday and make a choice to believe even though I don’t feel anything. Even though God feels a billion miles away, I say yes even when my doubt is painfully overwhelming. When everything in me wants to run away, I choose again to say yes. I don’t understand it. I can’t tell you why I keep coming back yet I can. There is something deep within that has been touched and I will never be the same. I will never recover. There is something at the very core of me that says in the dark, quiet, dry place, “Believe,” and for some crazy reason I do. That’s it, “Believe.” I don’t feel anything and I don’t see anything change but I am still choosing to listen and believe that it truly will be worth it.

…well almost. I finished my internship Sunday night, had new staff orientation today and with the exception of filling out my tax forms, I am full time staff at the International House of Prayer- Atlanta. It has been the biggest whirlwind! I have been on the most intense God rollercoaster ride that I have ever had the privelege to experience. If you have kept up with me at all during the last 2 months you have some idea of what has been going on. I have so much in my heart that I still cannot express. Here’s a little bit of what is going on in my heart. It is a little intense so brace yourself. If you are squimish about the reality of the human heart stop reading here!

Reflection Part 1 of 2
I would love to be able to tell you of the wonderful revelation that I received over the last 8 weeks, but the truth is I am not sure what revelation I have received. All I can honestly say at this point is that this has been the suckiest, best experience of my life. I was thrown into a situation where I was voluntarily forced into a room where I could not escape the One with eyes of fire. It’s not that I haven’t always been in this gaze but I am now painfully aware of it. There is something that happens in this reality; you find out that you don’t know God as much as you think you do or as much as you would like others to believe you do. You become soberly aware of your barrenness and depravity. You realize that your “normal” Christianity is not enough to sustain you in the place of prayer. I felt like I was talking to a stranger and sometimes still do. There’s no escaping it. A few nights I wanted to leave all together but where could I go, really? There is nothing that can fill this void except for God. I would never be satisfied fulfilling the desires of my flesh now. Even though there is no escaping this reality of emptiness, there is nothing aside from Christ alone that can fill this void.
I came here with a great conviction that this is where God had called me to be but at the first sign of wilderness I began to question everything. When I say everything, I mean everything! I find it interesting that we, mankind, are so fickle. One minute we have a deep conviction and we are so sure of everything and then the next minute we can’t decipher which end is up. There were so many things I was so sure of before I came here and now I am not sure what I believe anymore. I am undone for real. My heart is laid bare. Open for all to see. I can’t hide it. I can’t pretend it is not happening. The moment I try to mask the pain I am struck with tears and am overcome again. My heart is so full yet so empty, if this is even possible. I don’t know where this long, dark, dry road leads but I can only rest in the promise that it is to the arms of my Beloved. Even when I don’t really want to believe and I don’t have the will to believe there is something deep that still holds on to this hope. I can’t explain it and maybe that’s the point. There are moments that I have questioned the very existence of God and yet during a devotional set that same day I am singing things that I can’t even explain. Why would I be prompted to sing about being lovesick if I didn’t believe? I am just trusting that He is doing something deep within me even when my doubt is all I can see. When my unbelief is attacking me like a ravenous beast, He is molding and shaping my heart into His image. When my pain is all I can feel, He is bringing restoration to the deepest parts of my soul. I have to believe this is true. I have to believe that my tears are not in vain, that He really is storing them in His bottle as it says in Psalm 56:8. I have to rest in the faint hope that my weak attempts to express a love I am not sure of to a God I am not sure about are going up to Him as a fragrant offering. I have to hang on to this small glimmer of light trapped deep within me that says, “It’s worth it Beloved. All of this is worth it.”

TO BE CONTINUED…